Confusion Reigns as Biden Orders Seizure of “AR-14s,” Refused to Clarify What He Meant to ATF [SATIRE]

NOTE: This is generally satire, not a statement of fact. Other than the video, treat it as such.

Biden, fulfilling his campaign pledge to a union worker that he’d take away his “AR-14” (watch Biden’s threat and the worker’s later response below), Biden finally signed off on the demand of his ATF head, chomping at the bit to relive Waco, and agreed that there should be an assault weapon seizure, duly writing up an order and sending it to the eagerly waiting jackbooted officers at ATF field offices.

However, there was a problem. Slow Joe had insisted on typing up the order himself, having had a full bowl of oatmeal that morning and so feeling particularly proud of himself and confident in his abilities. So, he typed it up without having a secretary look at it and sent it out without any editing process occurring. According to an internal source, the letter to the ATF said:

“The time is now, Jack, and this is for real. Ya understand? We gotta take those AR-14s because they’re bad news. Way too many pony soldiers and such out there. I saw an Indian guy with a gun yesterday. Gun was bigger than my head, ya believe that? So do it!”

Confused as to what exactly Biden meant, the agents sent numerous messages back to Biden asking for clarification. Did he want them looking only for “AR-14s,” whatever those are? Did he mean to say AR-15s? Was it “assault weapons” generally that they were supposed to seize? And had he meant anything other than to be encouraging in the whole second half of the letter, or was that just dictum?

Unfortunately for the ATF but fortunately for those that stand for gun rights, it was a bit of Hitler sleeping during the invasion of Normandy situation: Biden, exhausted by the combined effort of eating a full bowl of oatmeal and typing up a multi-line letter, plus all the effort involved in figuring out how to turn on his computer to type it up (cries of “where do I put the paper in this thing. Cheap Chinese crap.” kept coming out of the White House, so his secretary had to show him to press the power button for the third time that day), had taken the rest of the day off and gone to sleep.

So, despite the ATF being ready to send in the armored vehicles and start confiscating weapons, it was unable to because of the lack of clarity in the president’s orders and his mental exhaustion. During the chaos, a few level-headed staffers were able to intervene and stop the whole exercise, correctly predicting that it would lead to civil war if the orders went into effect.

Colt and FN, however, along with a bevy of other firearm manufacturers, did jokingly present him with a solid-gold AR-15, stamped with an “AR-14” moniker, the next day, calling him the “gun salesman of the century.” They had reason to be happy; within an hour of the news breaking about the attempt at gun control, every gun in the nation had been bought, along with all but a few rounds of ammuntion.